Today's Challenge

Today was one of those days that challenges even the most even people. The type of day that starts out with minor issues such as no milk for your coffee, or the missing shampoo. Our household is no different than any other. There are always things missing from their rightful places throughout the house. They seem to sprout legs and run to hide from their owners at all the inopportune times.

Most families relate to this with a screaming baby on one hip, while they are crawling around on the floor blindly thrusting their hands under furniture in the hopes that somehow the missing binky is miraculously playing hide and seek under the couch. We think that if we angle ourselves closer to the furniture and try not to look-- that the leprechaun or poltergeist that managed to wrestle the priceless pacifier from the baby's mouth with grant us the gift of finding it in the nick of time as the baby is about to come completely inconsolable and unglued from its absence.

Sadly, the reality is-- it ain't gonna happen!! Not for all the tea in China. The slow boat going there also ate the missing sock or shoe of the 3 yo. who suddenly is screaming to go bye-bye at the door. No matter how carefully we return the item to its appropriate spot---viola' - it has disappeared.

You can bet this is going to happen with 50% of all the permission slips, please excuse notes, letters to the teacher, etc. My all time favorite item to lose is the prescription you carefully folded and put into your wallet or checkbook at the reception desk of the physician's office and try to refill. No luck!!! because in all your responsibility you have put it up so safe that it is lost from your mind!!!! Not that you are crazy-- just a tad crazed.

The reality of being a mom of 1-20 kids is that things are always out of our control. A well known fact to most of us, but much less popular in its acceptance among us. We live in a society of primary control freaks. We feel better if we believe everything we do and have contact with is within our control. We are time maniacs-- everything within a schedule. You have 15 minutes leeway either way. We write things in our agendas- put things in our PDAs. We even place sticky notes on our children and their books and lunches.

I realized I had left a poor example of how hard I was trying to control our lives with notes when I walked into the room of our then 4 yo daughter. I was first angry at the three digit number of sticky notes that were lined across her mirror, her dresser, the wall and the headboard of her bed. Each one had a small mark or picture on it. How dare she take them from me to put in her room as toys or playthings. She had them so precisely laid out end to end on every surface. Each one with a slightly different picture or mark-- but connected to the previous one. It was a stroke of luck that I had taken a step back. From the corner of my eye, as I was about to yell for her to come explain herself, I caught a glimpse of my room.

Down that long and narrow hall you could see the headboard of our kingsized bed. Next to it the small table with the phone, and message center where I tried to make all business, bill, medical calls to keep everything together. Oh was I stopped dead in my tracks. Struck by my daughter's view into our room. There they were. Several different colored lists and notes on sticky notes lined up end to end perfectly across my headboard. The one or two on the lamp beside our bed. The stack of notes where they always were right beside my phone. There the two pens were. My favorites lying beside the pads.

I walked into our large master bedroom and turned to the dressing area. To my left was the 4x7 mirror above the double sinks. One for her father and I. Each side with 2 - 10 index cards of bible verses, more sticky notes and reminders, pictures, and stickers from children. Each one had been carefully chosen for its meaning. Each one had a special place and time it was meant to answer. We had them out in plain sight. We sometimes re-read them with all the concentration and energy you give an exciting story. We read them sometimes with half-hearted energy because of our own doubt or disappointment. We would refer each other to them in times of joy and anger. But they were always there as badges of honor worn on a uniform.

I had to come face to face with the behavior we had modeled. We had taught our family to place before themselves the words and things they valued most. Some of them pictures, some of them words. Each of them symbolic of what they could control in their lives.

I called our daughter to her room to ask what all the sticky notes meant. She at first was reluctant to share them.... afraid that she would be punished for wasting them. Although that had been my first impression, I was past that. I wanted to know what she saw in her post-its. She took a long breath and began to tell the story of her writings and pictures. Each picture telling another page of her self-made book of her life. I could see when she wanted me to be serious about the story and when I could laugh at her thoughts. I tried to be very attentive and ask the right questions about the story.

There were times when this was the hardest to do. But what I learned from my daughter was how much she wanted to control her world. To have a handle on the everyday things that happened to her. To play and sing and dance whenever she wanted. As I listened I realized we were very much alike. For her at that age, that was a good thing, even comforting thing.

I try to remember how much she worked to control the things she could control in her stories and life. I noticed she struggled then. She struggles now to hold everything she desires and tries to do in a schedule and order for her life. I have chided her to allow things to happen as they can. To enjoy the journey as she arrives at her destination. All the while knowing that she learned to hurry and get there from the family, from myself.

I see her plan and plan. Re-arrange her current school schedule. Mull the advantages and disadvantages of a class or course of study over and over. Questioning each decision and each turn for every moment. She also learned how I agonize over most decisions, scarcely able to sleep while I work to make the best and perfect decision. I taught her to second guess her every move. I tortured her with the possibility that there could be a better way. Not by criticism, but by hypotheticals. The ever challenging thought of something better, something more.

It is hard to write your failures-- but this one is mine. One of the greatest. I have taught my children that working to be perfect is a vocation. That challenging your decisions over and over is the litmus test for good decisions. I arranged to make the acceptance of the "best decision at the time" to be the greater effort of sacrifice. I wrestle to accept things each day as they are. I strive to control some of the smallest things with the greatest efforts. At times I look quite silly. I have grown to accept more of my own mediocre ways of doing things.

Hopefully I am setting a better example of acceptance of the reality of everyday living. Ultimately it is the example of the happiness with ourselves and our choices. Living in the moment rather than in the future or the past. I want my children to see the beauty of experiencing each day and smelling the roses, rather than the struggle and despair of controlling less and less of their lives and the disappointment of failing to do so.