The Failing Mother

I have worked to avoid this post.... but it appears it cannot be ignored any longer. First let me say that I love my children. I would walk through eternal fire for my offspring. Fight endless attacks that threaten their lives and well-being. There is not much that I would not do to make their lives better.

I hate the fight to complete diligence tasks. I hate the disorder that we are left with when they are not completed. I have begun to hate enforcing the tasks, and have contemplated leaving work to come home to be the housekeeper in order to have more order in our home.

That being said, I hate the reluctance my children display to complete diligence tasks and their refusal to recognize the necessary place they have in any family, not just ours. I hate the repetitive means that are required to instill the need of diligence tasks in a family.

The purpose of diligence tasks or chores is to allow the family to propel itself forward in the daily and weekly work of existing. Simply put, it is the boring things that make homes functional and keeps them ordered.

It seems rudimentary to most adults that things are required to make the co-existence of human beings possible. The follow through of task completion of the daily chore list is rather simple and mundane. There is some sense of comfort in the simplicity of chores. They have a familiar rhythm of life. They create order. They create peace. They allow us to make peace with everyday needs.

Somewhere my children missed that understanding. Chores are odious interruptions to their day. They steal away the joy from play. They trounce independence from their family. Corrupt their ideas of fun. Destroy their sense of self and enjoyment. In the words of at least two of our children, they ruin their social lives.

Our children missed the concept of any job worth doing is worth doing well. The idea is evidently lost on our brood. I have worked this idea through endless teachable moments. Despite trying to find their developmental windows for the concept, I have failed. Speed and incompletion plague our household tasks.

There is nothing more defeating than recognizing your children cannot grasp what you are attempting to teach them. Is it the complexity of the concept? Is it the absence of witnessing the proof in their parents' work? Are the building blocks for the concept too large or clumsily presented? At each failure, I analyze and scrutinize the merits of the lesson. I plot out the next creative lesson for the goal of teaching the dreaded responsibility of being a member of a family.

Where do you look for the outline of teaching to the goal of self worth developed from hard work? I recognize that it is not a single lesson idea. It is the development of a hierarchy of steps that create the understanding of desire to complete the task well. It is that same development that allows us to accept hard work to meet the demand of the assigned task. The task creates its own sense of skill and due diligence required to fulfill its obligations to completion. There should be a sense of satisfaction of working hard. Both a relief and sense of relish at the accomplishment.

My frustration is my greatest failure. Failure to accept their selfish ways found in being children and a symptom of being young. Failure to convey the need for them to realize they are an important part of the family and the family relies on their contribution. Failure to show them their worth in the economics of the family. They don't acknowledge the "value added" feature of being the member of the organization of a family. They mistake their participation as a member for the value of life it actually holds.

Perhaps that is the most crucial place we fail. Mothers recognize the economics of the family. One person's contribution can mean the difference between no meals or meals for each day. It can allow the hands of a parent to hold a crying baby, or solve an algebra problem. It can mean that someone who just needs their time with mom or dad, can take a walk or sit in a room to share a fear or tell a story or ask for permission without interruption. It can mean that someone has their hair done for a recital or prom, while another is given the gift of a game of catch before the next play-off.

The economics of the family divides the work. It can make small, mountains of laundry and allow them to be folded and put away by less tired hands. It can load dishes without fatigue and back aches. It makes sure that there are spoons and cereal bowls for the next morning's breakfast after ice cream the night before. It shares the load among many despite the number of people who immediately benefit.

There is a give and take to every aspect of life. Sometimes that give becomes like breathing, second nature. The ebb and flow of everyday housework, laundry, transporting of children to lessons and practices, all require someone to share themselves to allow them to occur. Simple, quiet, boring jobs that make the house content and functional.

Why do children miss the concept? Because they see them as simple., quiet, boring tasks. They see the effortlessness of our movements and thought as we push through each and every task to make our children's world possible. We forget the work they actually take. We even underestimate the time they take in order to allow us to do more to make the function of our lives move forward. To commit ourselves to one more act of compliance to the family, no matter how small.

Have we failed them? Have we made the effort seem easy for us to do these tasks? Have we become too busy to divide big chores into smaller steps and follow up on the completion of them?
or have we just thrown our hands up in exasperation and done them ourselves? I know I have done all these wrongs. I have failed. I have become tired. I have lacked the consistency. I have failed even more by not asking God's help to be better at what I do everyday, be a mother.

I am not sure I can alone, be the better mother. I doubt that I have the patience, alone, to begin to fulfill the calling to teach them to "be strong and do the work". I absentmindedly look beyond my bible and my beliefs and fail my children, because I am not choosing to "be strong and do the work" I am called to do.

I have tried many, many unsuccessful ways and theories to further my cause. Some worked for a short time. Some never worked. Ultimately I found myself in the same place. I was to be a better parent. I was to seek wise counsel, I was to seek God's face and favor. I sought the answers n many well written and acclaimed works.

Perhaps the lesson was to show me my lack of attention to my own task of diligence-- to seek God for my guidance for my family? To allow my ultimate commitment to make our family a more functional, reverent family to please God be the diligence task where I placed my energy and effort. Perhaps once again, as I sought to plug the splinter in the eyes of my children, I discovered a log in my own. We all need to focus on our calling and be diligent to guard our hearts to the ways of the Lord.