The Encountered

Most of my musings have been about the family, the farm, and my struggles with raising rambunctious children-- but this will be different.

Our lives have been very chaotic. They have been beyond down right busy-- they have suffered from sleepless nights, too many bills, sick kids, endless juggling to make ends meet, and every other imaginable stress. We have sat back and dedicated time to causes, charities, school programs, soccer, baseball, softball, church, health issues, helping friends, going to relatives, and the endless list could go on. None of which included work, which is an evil and necessity to our existence of substance.

We, Barry and I, were entering the limit of what we could address as a couple. We love our children. We love our families. We love our church and friends. But we were no longer content with our lives. Part of why we moved to Troy started that path. I was no longer content to live among a greater number of neighbors. I was frustrated by neighborhood "rules" that indicated how the yard or house should look. We were not willing to stay in town and have limited storage and small spaces for the kids to kick up the noise and enjoy things.

We still needed more. We have spent many years apart lately. For Barry to travel and work elsewhere had become a strain. We weren't working as a couple. We had become married singles. Two people living their lives in the union of a marriage without committing to the beliefs and actual dedication of marriage. We got up in the morning rarely saying three civil words and went on our individual ways only exchanging logistic information for the children. We were EXCEPTIONALLY good at it.

It is not so hard to make decisions without the help of someone who is out of state. It is easy to forget to make a phone call to address the current small crisis. Neglect to identify what the next major purchase is going to be-- just make sure the change is paid for and installed as you see fit. Why wait to buy Christmas gifts as a couple-- just send an email that the list is done. Ask for input about discipline, but think better and handle it your way-- despite the agreement to do it differently. Say "yes" or "no" to the child who called to circumvent the other parent-- not an intentional slight; but it sends the same message. Mom and Dad are not on the same page and they are easy targets for manipulation. They recognize it and readily use it.

All these small things added up to the slow and purposive disintegration of our marriage. We were living single. Angry at ourselves. Angry at each other. Angry with the children who guilted us into silence as we would be hollering above the clanging voices of each sibling as they demanded their time for our attention.

We would leave the house for work exhausted and frustrated. Steaming in the car, wanting more time to solve the current problem. All the while knowing it was a symptom of the reality we had created. We were lost.

So far lost that every attempt to quietly work things out resulted in one screaming match after another. Hoping that we could drive the other from our presence so that we could be alone and left in peace. Our personal perception of having "won" the battle. But there were NO winners. Everyone was losing. The children, our friends, our church, and lastly, ourselves.

Together we became accomplices of lies. We supported the illusion that the blame was the other person. That the money items were tearing us apart. That the distance kept the silence. That once we had this or paid for that the pressure of our loneliness and despair would be relieved.

We were quite comical and sad. So sad, that mutual friends would be afraid to ask how things were going, because they prayed we had been able to make a change, but saw the patterns of hate were becoming comfortable tracks that we rode daily without fail. They saw the sadness on our faces and heard the desolation in our hollow voices. We were shells of the couple we had been when we were dating.

For most couples, the arrival of their first child can be the most traumatic. They can be driven apart by the demands of the bundle of joy that has no other choice but rely heavily on the energies of their parents. We were not that couple. We seemed to thrive with our first child. We clung to her and developed more of a relationship. Neither of us was anxious to "get away" from the baby. People would have to literally pry her from us so that we could go out and do adult things. We shared her with family and friends, but didn't really desire to be away from her.

Actually, we were like that with most of our children. We were criticized that we spent too much time with our children without getting out to enjoy ourselves. Rarely would we go to dinner or a movie using a sitter. As the family grew the opportunities lessened and lessened for us to go out. People were definitely intimidated by the sheer numbers of our children. We had fewer and fewer times to go out. There was less and less money. Then we began to have small medical issues with the kids that again limited the pool of babysitters. We hid away from each other and the silence we suffered when there was no one else there but us. We busied up.

We learned to do without going out. We began to sneak time together during naps and short encounters while a DVD played. But we rarely noticed how the other felt. We were running at each other with empty tanks, hoping twenty minutes alone would recharge our batteries enough to keep us moving.

We spent more nights in a family bed than a marriage bed. We originally thought there was a season of this. The seasons grew to years. The time we spent together focused on each other became limited.

We soon began to overlook holidays, anniversaries, birthdays. I drew the line at Christmas, only because I wanted the children to see someone else deserve and receive a gift. But our hearts weren't in the giving.

Barry and I had created the most lonely existence in a crowd that could exist. We had friends we liked, but given up on having people over and sharing with other people. We had become everything we hated. We were lost to ourselves and to each other. Both of us could hear the distress in each other's voice and basically walk away as if it did not exist.

Last weekend we took back our marriage. We once again returned to something we knew could work- but the question remained would we allow it to work? We had done a Marriage Encounter Weekend about 23 years ago. (Okay that DOES make me feel old!) We remembered the time commitment. We also remembered the activities. Barry was still willing to go and eagerly told me to do the registration.

Ironically, we fought with such determination the entire week before- we nearly did not go. We were so consistent, that we arrived late. Held up the start of the first meeting. Entered the hotel with a cloud of anger, frustration, and disbelief in a process that we both had determined was one of the last hopes for our marriage.

From that first session on Friday, to the last circle on Sunday we were blessed. God and his workers helped us to once again remember why we were married. We surprised each other with how close our plans, our thinking and our dreams for our family had come full circle. We were more blessed by the couples we met. We found ourselves with others who realized why they were there and could count on what they had received from their time.

Two nights in a hotel without interruption has a calming effect on most people. But we were energized. We found ourselves playing and laughing at things we had as our secrets back when we first were together. We encountered who we were and still are.

There are many things we brought home from the weekend. Mostly, we brought a better protection of our marriage and of each other. We once again brought back our commitment to the marriage and Christ in our marriage.

We were asked which Marriage Encounter was the best for us. I can say that it was this one. We were young and selfish the first time. We tried to attempt to complete the dialogues and daily connections, but I was the harsher of the two of us. I wanted us to be perfect and keep things in a fairy tale bubble. I was naive and unrealistic.

My only regret is that we waited so long to do it again. I cannot change yesterday or my choices, but I stood before everyone on that Sunday and said, "Don't make our mistake. There are too few days to take back what you may have given away. Make the step to come back to another encounter. Remember that you have the most essential basis for your marriage, Christ Jesus. With Him and through Him, you can have the marriage you have always wanted."

So I would say to you as you read this-- Have you ever been encountered???