Give A Kid A Break

Sometimes my children are terribly disappointed that they are not always given a fair chance at sharing their ideas, excuses, explanations or general information to me in order to avoid my parental determination. They are quite accurate that being the parent, I have the uncanny and recognizable ability to be annoyingly judgmental and indeed, downright punitive. Often, as pointed out by a very good friend of mine, they are met with justice when they were actively seeking mercy.

I have however, had a week in which I am not the person suffering from quick parental judgments. I am now in an area of unfamiliarity. I am currently the one hoping that mercy should be extended to one or more of my children.

As you read this, you must be asking yourself why I am asking or actually beseeching mercy rather than perhaps justice? Because some times it is merciful to allow children to be children and have seasons of poor judgment and the making of many mistakes. The age and severity of their poor judgment can vary. The result of their judgments can be either permanent or temporary-- annoying or devastating. There really is no consistency in the matter, but there is the realization that any one decision can ultimately change the course of one's life. Hopefully that decision is the right one.

Some decisions are the result of ignorance or arrogance. Not enough information to make the most appropriate decision. Others are the result of believing one has all the answers. Those decisions made from these levels of poor judgment usually have human effect as well as a lasting effect on the consequence of the decisions. Some of them again, are mere annoyance. However, many of them result in the devastation of some one thing or person.

I have struggled throughout the time we began raising our children to show them the natural consequences of their behaviors. Some times I am as level headed as Solomon as I levy both the discipline and explanation of their consequence as deemed by their choices. I am stronger and more precise when the offense appears to be intentional and defiant. I am calculated as I hand down the penance for their wrong.

Defiance in our household is a strongly punishable offense. We are not very tolerant to the child who's selfishness seems to force them into the wasting of the resources of the family. The choice to boldly stand against diligence tasks, family values, or ignore the moral integrity they were raised with will ultimately cost the children pleasures such as toys, lessons, or rewards. We generally are not lenient when it comes to waiting for them to correct the issue of their own accord. We expect expedient results, without comment, without question, without delay as noted by Ted Tripp in his book. We work to strongly encourage their obedience to the ways of the family and ultimately the will of God.

It is the transgressions that appear to be unintentional or collateral damage that leave me to doubt my skills as a parent. They occur as the result of ambivalence to the consequence of the action. These flaws of character are those that resist correction. They seem to happen by circumstance. Example: The bathroom was not completely clean of dirty clothes, dirty counters or trash by bedtime. This occurred because everyone got up late and was leaving for an activity in a hurry as no one was ready on time. The larger problem is the lack of follow-through or planning with adequate time. The result was an even greater deficit of incomplete work. Multiple things which make up the maintenance of the bathroom were not completed.

Assessing the collateral damage sometimes is the fastest and straightest line to add the checks and balances for the tasks. The summary of what did not get done may not be the accurate description of the impact of the missed chores. The incomplete tasks were actually a by-standing influence. The actual transgression again pointed to arrogance and selfishness. No one was available to do the right thing. Everyone was busy with what they wanted, but not available to do the work needed.

Sometimes the transgression is an act of humor gone wrong. The attempt to be funny can cause pain. In this case it has raised the question of being true to one's upbringing. There was no evil intention. There was extrapolation. The person responsible for the remark was not the one to fully suffer the impact of the over-generalization of the remark. Even sadder is the realization that the original person making the remark was too young to understand the statement.

How does this extend to someone else and their interpretation? The remark caused shock and created aspersions of less than honorable intentions. The aspersions have caused hard feelings. It has created a rift between families, children and adults. Some of them my children.

No ill intent was designed by a four year old who made a comment everyone thought humorous. He was and is innocent. Because the story had been told and re-told without misunderstanding and with the full awareness of its meaning, the belief was that EVERYONE knew its origin and its harmless meaning. Well, that was what was believed.

I am someone who seems to give innumerable chances to people. I always think they will rise to the occasion - no matter how many times they have not made it before. Sometimes I am very wrong and hurt. Other times I am allowed to bask in the shine of their success as if it were my own. I love those moments. I live for them. One of those moments can make up for every unsuccessful attempt in the matter of seconds.

Although my first instinct is to be hurt and angry, I eventually convince myself that there was no intentional harm done. That the damage was an occurrence of the collateral influence of another intention. I am indeed a master of deceiving myself. It has become a way of life and a survival technique. I cannot bear to think that most human beings are less than benevolent.

Because of this quirk of personality, I tend to look for the good intentions of most people. I can look for the motivation rather than the actual action which caused the hurt or consequence of pain. It has allowed me great insight into most situations. But it has not helped me with this one.

Another child carried forth the story of the four year old and his crush. His statements were quite funny. His sincerity even stronger. Adding to his story is the fact that he competes for the attention of the young lady with his older brother. But that story has an even more uncertain ending.

I only know that there are well educated, honorable young people in this story. They were raised well by their parents. They are mutually loved and cherished by their parents. The hope of their parents is that they will court some one who will become the love of their life.

As one of their parents, I hope they do it better. I hope they wait longer to get to know each other and their dreams, and aspirations. I want them to learn to love and respect each other as God's children and faithful Christians, no matter their church. I want them to understand that the union of marriage is truly among God and two people. That it is not to be entered into lightly and requires full knowledge of God and His word to make the commitment to each other.

I pray that they have the opportunity to find their beliefs and possibly find each other. But I acknowledge I do not know all about them. I believe they are good, strong Christian children who may find in each other their life mate. I believe they can bring out the best in each other and themselves by being together. I choose to trust their judgment about who they are and what they stand for. Because they need the growing room to find out for themselves what they are and can be.

Hard for me to do, is not fight against someone else who may see them differently. Someone who has a difficult time letting them develop mature relationships with others and each other. The struggle of a parent that never ends is the opening of the hand to let go or the clutching to draw them nearer.