Being "Done"

A day or two ago I read a post on "Larger Families" about a writer who recently had another child and posed the question when does the more logical side step in and say "Okay - that's enough". She asked if anyone else suffered baby lust immediately after their last child was born. Inquiring how each of the other moms to large families dealt with what she believed might be unique to her and her husband.

The post actually made me cry, well cry again. For me that feeling remains and seems to be growing stronger each day since our last child was born nearly five years ago. Now we have been told directly, pointedly by friends and family alike, that we should be DONE. We should feel a great sense of satisfaction and pride that we have the family and diversity of children that we have.

Somewhere that fills a void for everyone but us. We have decided that we are not done. We are blessed by our family. They are everything people tell us to be proud of and look forward to their maturity. They have been both blessing and inspiration since the day each of them was conceived. We trusted that God had knit each one together in my womb. We have worked to place them in the belief that they are on earth for God's good purpose.

But that does not stop the yearning for the sense of completion of our family. Many hours of prayer and reflection have been placed on this subject. So much attention to it, that I have a hard time being around babies without tears in my eyes. I not only ache for another child, but mourn the loss of the ones I miscarried. The sorrow is deep enough that the older ones see it in my face despite my work to hide it. It has become something that Barry struggles to help me with at each wave of grief. The sorrow can last for what seems like a lifetime.

In order to understand our lives, and our desire for more children, people have inquiring minds. They ask us how we can afford our family? They ponder the mountains of laundry, the hours of homework and study, the miles we log on our cars going from home to soccer, to dance, to school, to church, etc. Some worry about the size of our vehicles. Others focus on the cost of food, clothing, toys or electronics. There are times we struggle. There are times when there is not enough money. But those times occurred when we had two, three, or four children.

We can be criticized for our trust that God will eventually provide for some of those things in His time. Sometimes the wait can be agonizing, like when we needed a new van and could not find the right one for months. The struggle to go anywhere as a family was immense. We had never relied on two cars to travel before. But God found the best deal and the right van. We just needed to trust and He provided.

God gave us each child in His time. They came when He alone planned them. Even after we were told there might never be one child. God sent all of them to show He had dominion over us, over our family.

The sheer number of children can intimidate some people. We don't see their numbers. We look at each child so individually, that we can not process them in the group everyone else sees. As the older ones manage to leave for college and their independent lives, we feel even less complete at times. Their roles are so diverse that we look at them as the arms or legs of the body of the family. As they mature, having the whole family together has become harder and more scarce.

Our economy within the family is very interdependent. Each one of the children has their place in work, in fun, in worship, and in learning. They bring to our family their independent personalities which are alike and different to each other all at the same time. So much so that times we rely on their talents can bring sorrow. Smaller children seek out the wisdom or empathy of their older siblings during good times and times of sorrow. There is no consoling of a small sibling when they are 'homesick' for the voice or presence of their older brother or sister.

Much credit to Ohio Bell, "reaching out and touching someone" has become the lifeline of the cell phone. The careful dialing of a newly memorized cell number has soothed troubled hearts and angry kid sisters and brothers. The cool mediation of an older brother or sister has solved many fights and hurt feelings between their siblings.

So how can we feel a void? I am not sure that I have the words to express the knowledge that God has the number for our family in His heart. That I believe that we may add to the number of our 'born' children with the hearts and lives of other children once we have a slightly larger house. We recognize that this is not the choice of other people. At times it is not the choice of our friends and family for us. But it is our choice.